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I’m in a long-distance relationship – will porn stop me being unfaithful? | Life and style

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I am a gay man with a long-term partner. He recently moved away so we are currently in a long-distance relationship. We have mostly good sex when we are together, although my sex drive is normally higher than his. When I am alone, with little to do, I become bored and instantly think of masturbating. I normally turn to porn, although I don’t really like it; I prefer the feeling of real sex or even video-sex with my partner. But I don’t know how to break my porn habit. I have gone some months without it before but always come back to it; I feel a bit addicted. I have also thought of having sex with other people in my home town, but this would mean having a discussion about an open relationship, which I doubt either I or my partner would be comfortable with. This leaves infidelity, which I would not strive for but occasionally dream about. Essentially, I have a high sex drive, am bored and like sex. How do I channel this in a positive way?

You are experiencing the perennial challenge faced by every sexually alive human being: “How can I navigate the expectations of my partner, my family, myself, and of the society in which I live, and get my needs met at the same time?” Many people can find a favourable answer to this question for a portion of their lives – but most feel that they are more often than not at war with their bodily desires. Small wonder that so many people take a pragmatic – rather than a moral-based – approach and choose to simply “do what they’ve got to do”. Managing your libido while trying to maintain a long-distance relationship is a torturous effort, so try to be more accepting of your human condition. In my view there is nothing inherently wrong with using erotic online material – especially if it helps you avoid seeking live contact that could potentially cause you more problems. You will know if you are overdoing it, as you will feel so compulsively driven to view porn that it will significantly interfere with the rest of your life. The prospect of “infidelity” is always going to appeal in fantasy – since forbidden sex tends to be highly erotic – but there are certainly potential risks (your distant partner may well be facing similar impossible choices). Just do the best you can.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

• Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.

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The NHS Covid-19 app: three experts answer frequently asked questions | All together

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Dr Amir Khan






Dr Amir Khan: ‘The app is for anyone in England and Wales who has a smartphone, and can download from Google or Apple’

In September, the NHS Covid-19 app was launched, supporting NHS Test and Trace in England and NHS Wales Test, Trace and Protect, aiming to slow the spread of Covid-19 by alerting people to virus levels in their area, and when they have come into close contact with someone who has tested positive.

Here, Dr Sarah Jarvis MBE, Dr Amir Khan, and professor of pathogen dynamics Christophe Fraser, answer frequently asked questions about the safety, effectiveness and purpose of the app.

Who is the app for and who will it help?
Dr Amir Khan: The app is for anyone in England and Wales over 16 who has a smartphone, and can download from Google or Apple. If you have a smartphone, you should download this app. The reason why is that we need everyone to get on board with this idea of controlling the spread of the virus – the best way to do that is knowing where the outbreaks are and knowing when someone who has tested positive might have been in your vicinity. Then getting as many people to isolate as possible.

When will the app contact you?
Dr Sarah Jarvis: The app alerts you if you have been in close contact with somebody who has tested positive for coronavirus, but it is only people who have been in close contact with someone for 15 minutes or more. If you walk past someone on the street who has tested positive, then you are not going to pick it up.

Will it alert me if there is Covid-19 in my town?
SJ: If you put in only half your postcode it will alert you to the risk of coronavirus in your area. I have had this app for a month and used this function the other day. The alert told me the risk had risen from low to medium. This is important for you to know; for instance, it might make you rethink what you do in terms of you visiting, socialising and going out and about.

If I get an alert, am I breaking the law by going out, or is it more, ‘Stay at home so I don’t infect granny’?
Prof Christophe Fraser: The app only advises and cannot force you. You don’t want to go out because you don’t want to infect vulnerable people. We all have loved ones with other illnesses that make them even more susceptible to really bad outcomes from Covid. Among some younger people, it’s much rarer but there are some bad outcomes. Of course, it’s very difficult to quarantine and it can be hugely disruptive and, therefore, it’s really important that the UK government supports people through payments. And it’s really important that employers are absolutely told in no uncertain terms that this is a way we will protect ourselves. We can see the current situation is alarming. Cases of coronavirus have been going up for weeks now, hospitalisation and deaths are following not far behind.

Will the app help to prevent a future lockdown?
CF: That’s what we’re trying to do. The more we can participate with the Test and Trace, the more we can stay in well-ventilated areas, wear face coverings, wear masks and wash hands, the less likely we are to end up in lockdown. So there’s a social pact, we all have people in our social networks who are a bit more vulnerable and who we’re worried about. You don’t need to look at the national numbers, you can just think if you, your friends and your colleagues use the app you’ve got an early warning system: here comes the virus.

Dr Sarah Jarvis



Dr Sarah Jarvis: ‘If you receive an alert, the app will advise you to self-isolate’

What do I do if I get an alert to say I’ve been in close contact with someone with coronavirus?
SJ: If you receive an alert, the app will advise you to self-isolate. If you then develop symptoms, and test positive, the app will anonymously notify anyone you’ve been in contact with.

What are the benefits of this contact-tracing solution over previous methods?
AK: It’s beneficial because you don’t have to ring anyone, you don’t have to go online and search for anything – once you’ve downloaded it, it’s there on your phone. It’s so much more than just contact tracing. It helps alleviate some of your concerns – eg, it has a symptom checker so if you’re worried that you may be having coronavirus symptoms and you don’t want to ring 119 to get a free coronavirus test, or face a queue of other people doing the same thing at a test centre, you can put your symptoms into the app and it will tell you whether there’s a chance you have coronavirus and you need a test. It will automatically direct you to a test-booking website. It’s really user friendly.

SJ: I was highly critical of the previous app, but all my questions and concerns have been addressed. That is why I agreed to be a spokesperson for Test and Trace.

What would you say to people who don’t think it will make a difference, or who are worried about their data privacy?
AK: When I was told I was going to be able to have a look at this around three days before the public, I was nervous about downloading it on my phone because I was worried about data privacy. I was also worried that in the past the old versions had not been working, so I must admit I thought: “Is this just not going to go anywhere?” Lots of people have similar concerns. However, the app protects privacy as it uses Apple and Google’s proven Bluetooth technology, designed so that nobody will know who or where you are. App users are anonymous and the app cannot be used to track your location for law enforcement, or to monitor self-isolation and social distancing. The only personal information it requires is the first half of your postcode, not even the second half, that’s it. The more people who download it, the more effective it will be. I completely understand, there’s been a number of false starts and some people may have lost their faith, but we have got to get behind the app for it to work.

The NHS Covid-19 app open and in use on an Android mobile phone indicating that the app is active and scanning via bluetooth. The app was launched on 24 September 2020 to be used as a contact tracing app in England and Wales, UK



The only personal information the app requires is the first part of your postcode, and no data leaves your phone. Photograph: Katharina Brandt/Alamy

And is my data completely safe? Will it be sold to advertisers?
CF: The data about contacts are entirely private, you have complete control over them, you can turn on and off contact tracing. That’s private information that stays on your phone. No data leaves your phone.

What about my phone battery?
AK: It works by Bluetooth technology on your phone. I was worried that it would drain my battery because I am always on the phone talking to people, but it doesn’t.

What would you say to people who say we can’t do this indefinitely and life needs to return to normal?
CF: Life isn’t going to get back to normal if 20% of the population have to continue shielding. The way to get back to as normal as possible is to control the virus. There are 44 vaccines in human trials, five of them in phase three. Phase three is a large trial where you’ve already established the safety of the vaccine and that it elicits an immune response, so it’s really when you vaccinate very large numbers of people to look really closely at the safety of different groups. Let’s not get pessimistic about vaccines. We will have vaccines that work. But it’s a difficult time. Lockdown is incredibly painful. Quarantine and isolation when you test positive or are contact traced is really difficult, but hold on and keep the epidemic down so that we spend a larger proportion of our time being able to get on with life – it’s not indefinite.

Anything to add?
AK: People are worried that they have received a message on their phone alerting them to a possible infection and then it seems to disappear. [These “phantom alerts” are a default privacy notification from either Apple or Google. If you receive one, but do not need to take any action, you will now be sent a follow-up message from the app making this clear.]

This advertiser content was paid for by the UK government. All together (NHS app) is a government-backed initiative tasked with informing the UK about the Covid-19 pandemic. For more information, visit: gov.uk/coronavirus


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How to make soda bread – recipe | Felicity Cloake’s masterclass | Food

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If you’re thinking that now is the time to finally come good on that new year’s resolution to start baking your own bread, this loaf, which can be on the table in little more than an hour, is the one to start with, especially if you’re hoping to enlist the help of young children in making it. Popular throughout Ireland, soda bread’s soft and crumbly crumb is great warm from the oven, but it also makes unbeatable toast.

Prep 10 min
Cook 50 min
Makes 1 loaf

450g coarse wholemeal flour, plus a little extra to dust
50g rolled oats (optional, see step 3)
1 tsp salt
1 level tsp bicarbonate of soda
1 tbsp treacle
1 tbsp honey
450ml buttermilk
(see step 2)
1 tbsp butter, to finish

1 The clue is in the name

As the name suggests, soda bread relies on bicarbonate of soda, rather than yeast, as a raising agent, which is why it’s so quick to make – it gets to work as soon as it comes into contact with an acid, and the reaction between the two creates bubbles of gas that expand in the heat of the oven, causing your bread to rise.

2 The acid test

This acid traditionally comes in the form of buttermilk, but if you can’t find that (though it is widely available in supermarkets), use the same amount of milk soured with a tablespoon of lemon juice or even vinegar; the effect will be the same, though the flavour will vary, especially with vinegar. You could even use plain yoghurt instead, though in that case I’d recommend thinning it down with a splash of milk or water first.

Felicity Cloake’s soda bread 02


3 Mix the dry ingredients

Heat the oven to 200C (180C fan)/390F/gas 6 and put a lightly greased baking tray in there to heat up. Put the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl and stir to combine. If you don’t have oats, replace them with 50g flour; and if you want to use white flour instead, or a combination, feel free (see step 8).

4 Add the buttermilk and sweeteners

Stir the treacle and honey into the buttermilk until well mixed (it will probably stick to the bottom of the jug at first, so make sure you incorporate those bits, too), then make a well in the middle of the dry ingredients.

Felicity Cloake’s soda bread 03


Pour the buttermilk mixture into the well and use your hands to stir it into the flour. Mix until you have a soft, sticky dough.

5 Mould the loaf

Lightly flour a work surface, then tip out the dough and shape it into a rough round (alternatively, you could use a greased loaf tin, if you prefer). Take the hot baking tray out of the oven, put the loaf on it, then use a sharp knife to cut a deep cross (see step 9) in the top to speed up the baking time.

Felicity Cloake’s soda bread 04


6 Bake the loaf

Put the tray in the oven and bake for between 50 minutes to an hour, keeping an eye on it towards the end of the cooking time: it’s done when the crust is hard and golden, and the bread sounds fairly hollow when tapped on the base. Meanwhile, melt the butter in a small pan or in the microwave.

7 Brush with melted butter

Take the bread out of the oven and immediately brush with the melted butter.

Felicity Cloake’s soda bread 05


Leave to cool a little (soda bread is pretty indigestible while it’s still hot), then cut into slices and tuck in, preferably with copious amounts of butter. Note that this bread doesn’t keep as well as yeasted bread, though it is very good toasted.

8 Variations

If you’re using another type of flour, you may need to reduce the amount of liquid, because wholemeal flour absorbs more than white flour; and if you find the loaf is hard to shape, simply add a little more flour to the dough mix. Ring the changes by adding dried fruit, olives, caramelised onions, crumbled cheese, seeds or chopped woody herbs such as rosemary.

9 The sign of the cross

As well as helping it bake faster, the cross cut into the top of the loaf is also said to bless it against evil forces, or to let out the devil, depending on who you listen to. I was taught to prick each corner, too, to let the fairies out, though whether or not you choose to do so probably depends on your attitude to eating fairies.


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Top reasons why married people cheat

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Top reasons why married people cheat

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